So what is my character?

This is a introspective analysis I am doing for quite sometime. Theoritically I thrive to be kind, generous, and caring... but I wonder if I am all that.

I can say I am Kind, but really, AM I? For I am indeed kind to the people who speak sweet and are friendly, but not to the people who hurt me, or divulge with my line of thought. A harsh word thrown at me, sees a harsh word back.
Am I kind? NO. I just act as a mere mirror which reflects the person interacting with me. He smiles at me, I smile back. He hates me, I hate him more. Kindness is not my Character, but a feeling based on the circumstances around me.

Atleast I am generous. I helped the neighbour Akka with Rs.1000 last year and waited patiently till she repayed it.
Er... I still feel I am generous, though I failed to help my maid servant when she literally begged for money for buying gas cylinder. But I helped her many times, she failed to return. Hey, is generosity not expecting anything in return. Did I fail?
I think so... since it is for the same reason I don't help people begging on the road or genuine destitutes. I just help people near and dear to me, and more important, people whom I am sure will repay me somehow. Generosity is not my character but a means of helping people, whose help I seek eventually.

Hmm... surely I am not caring then. Ofcourse I run errands for my mother, I thought that would earn me that virtue. I haven't even donated blood, did no kind of voluntary work (though I was with NSS for 2 years),given clothes or money to the
poor or atleast stop haggling for minutes with the person selling water mellon on the road, for one and two rupees, not thinking of his life and the family he needs to support. Caring is not my character but an illusion to help myself.

There is so much to do in this world, to my fellow humans, who are a spark from the same flame as I am... but all I thought about for so long was ME. Maybe I do have a character to call myself... Selfish!


not the end.